so i was doing good, i felt better about myself and how i looked, i went to the gym and than i noticed that when i fast it just makes me want to eat everything in the world when you are done fasting. i binge out like fuck. so i took 13 lax last night, oh man i wanted to cry, lets hope everything is out before it gets to my stomach. today is labor day so the gym n nothing is open, i will take more lax today throughout the day and eat just some grapes. and a yogurt and the lax will take that out too. tomorrow i plan on going to the gym for more than 2 hours. im hoping 4 but im not sure if my mom will stay that long. i usualy go for 2 hours. anyways school starts wed. i dont want to look like a fat fuck. i hope i look better and this binge doesnt come on to me. i am never fasting again. maybe a day or 2. actaully i will. i know how to control it. but as of right now no. i want to be thin and i will be thinner than what i am right now. i will be. give me a week or 2. im really nervous about school. i hate my stomach. yuck. yesturday i ran 4 miles. it felt great. and had nothing in me for 3 days. except black coffee, one cup. alright i am gonna go. i am gonna save this as inspiration. everytime i do a fast, i get confused and think about food and how i should be normal. i hate it. i dont want that. i want to be thin. i can be. gr.
Wed, Aug. 27th, 2008, 12:03 am
eff you, eff this world. fuck fuck fuck fuck.
Sun, Aug. 24th, 2008, 11:50 pm
so today i took lax and ate healthy things. i had brocolli and salad and rice cakes in between. since i took the lax all different times i had to eat all different times. but i hate healthy things. i still feel guilty buttt! good thing.. i went to the gym again. well first i went to the mall than after the mall i went back to the gym since the gym is across from the mall. and i played raquette ball there than i jogged and ran a mile than i did the bike for a few than i did some crunches! i felt so happy i exercised again!! than me and my bf walked back to the mall than to the train station which was a 2 mile walk at least. got on a train to my town station than walked from there to my house!
i feel so good.
tomorrow im not sure if in going to the city. if not tomorow than wednsday for sure. because my bf has a orthadontis apointment that he cannot miss and its in the afternoon so hes gonna call and ask to change the day to either tuesday or wed or make it earlier.. if he cant do any of those choices than we will just got wed. tuesday we cant because we r going to his moms..
but if we dont go to the city tomorrow i plan on sleeping the whole day til like 1ish than showering my boyfriend will be here around 3:30
than we are going to powerwalk and/or jog in town. than we are going to get coffee since im not eating tomorrow, than my mom will be home by 5:15. we go to the gym til however long. i plan on a long time! =D than me and my bf will go to the movies to see house bunny! and i might get coffee to make my hunger go away from the smell of popcorn and yaya. and i think we are walking to the movie theater since its around that will be sometimes around 8ish and than after the movies im calling it a night =D
i hope my plan works out
my mom made some more comments that make me want to do this more.
so yeah. the thought of food disgust me. and i dont want to eat its just some things are so tempting
i am going to control it
i feel so fat.. wel my stomach, everything else is in such great shape. my boyfriend said
my face looks so thin since he went away and my legs. but since he went away i ate my feelings
and didnt take lax. so it went straight to my stomach. it looks so nasty. i cried 3 times over it today.
i keep playing with it i have nail marks in it. =\ i feel so gross. its all i think about. i hate it
i will lose this weight it's all around!!!
by the way if i wake up earlier i will either read or go on the computer.
well i am gonna go!
so i was doing so good the last 2 days and my than my crazy thing came along in my head and of coarse i fucking ate at night. =\ but the only good thing was.. it wasnt junk. it was fiber and fruit.. i still feel so giulty. i dont know why i dont listen to myself about all these tips. i will do this. but to feel good i took a 30 minute power walk this morning than went to the gym and burnt 500 cals. and later on i plan on going to the gym again, this time with my boyfriend. but anyways as i was on the gym there was the channel 51 ya know Enews. i love that channel, anyways it was talking about being too skinny and than it went back in my head that i need to do this! it gave me inspiration. also too as my mom was at the gym, she kind of is chunky but is losing weight, but she was jogging and goes im gonna be skinnier than you! n i got so bad, i will NOT let that happen. and than she goes how many calories did you burn and i said 500 and she goes how did you do more than me im like well you stopped and i did other programs. and she got mad and im like are you trying to beat me? n she admitted it. Thissss gives me more inspiration to do this! than in the car she goes your grossly thin. she is only saying that because she doesnt want me to lose weight, she wants to be skinnier than me. i know im not grossly thin.. yet. but i will be. soon. this binging needs to stop and it will. i figured out that i binge at night. so i will keep myself busy at night. and in the morning ill have a piece of something, like a piece of cereal or one strawberry than do that ever 3 hours so keep my metab running. or ill just have coffee and a really small salad. i dont even know actually. i dont even want to eat. my boyfriends back so i think my eating habits will be better! instead of binging from being depressed that he has been away on vacation thats when i noticed i binged A LOT. so since he's back i can occupy myself and he always offers to buy me coffee, and tomorrow we will see how it goes, i dont even think im gonna eat. im gonna be in the city tomorrow. i really dont want to eat and i dont get hunger pains or feel hungry anymore. i think ill go to the store and buy those apple bags/grape little bags. 5 bags in one box each bag is 40 cals. if i have one bag a day for the whole day, that would be great! i just need to watch the sugar? i know fruit has a lot of natural sugar. but early june i had an apple a day and i was looking great! but than i lost my self control and now i look gross. as for today, i am going to have lax to get the rest of my healthy binge from last night out of me .. eat a small salad or something light and small. since you need food when your taking lax. when you take lax you need food for the process to work. or work better? well either way u need food for it unfortunaly. anyways i have a lot of inspiration this time and i dont know whats gotten into me. i guess b.c my bf was away and im not sure. but i really need to do this. i feel so disgusted with how i look. i dont even feel that i need to eat. =D im so mad at my mom for her stupidity but than i thank her because she's helping me do this. when she doesnt even know it. i kinda feel good that i exercised! =D im happy i did i just wish the weight would fly off right than and there. o well. i have school and im going to look better in a week. some how i will do this. and when school comes. it will be even easier! i am so excited.
by the way... it's all in my stomach so it feels even worse. =[
Sat, Aug. 23rd, 2008, 12:27 pm
i am so disgusted in my body.
it looks nasty. bye
Fri, Aug. 22nd, 2008, 08:01 pm
you have to put confusion with confusion.
1 confusion: you want food but you dont want to gain weight or eat.
2 confusion: why eat if you're gonna gain it?
than put it together. and think about it.
does that help?
anyways. i am forgetting who i am little by little, i feel so sad
i am ginamarie. i get called gina
i like ginamarie better though but dont really say much about it
i love helping people, giving advice is one of my favorite things to do
i am scared of my metab to be slow. i will exercise.
i love learning big vocab words
i am interesting
people who are nice and interested are my fav ppl
i love when people come up and talk to me.
i am shy
i love my boyfriend
i love shopping
fashion is my number one fav things todo
i want to live in the city, there for i love it
i like healthy things even tho i will not eat it
i love cooking and baking for people
when im in the mood. haha
i love reading
writing my thoughts
gettin books to write my thoughts in
getting new books to read
the sims collections is so muchh fun
shopping online is fun
research is fun but confusing sometimes
i like the hungry in my stomach
i like exercising but i tend to get lazy sometimes
i wish i could eat food normally. but i cant
i love starving i feel so much control
i love feelings hungry
i love smelling food and being hungry at the same time
i love taking diet pills
i love getting dressed up and feeling good about it
even just getting dressed
coffee is my fav drink other than water
i love feeling and looking good
i want to be thin
education is very important to me
school is good i wish i wasnt lazy.
i tend to walk home from school everyday until it gets freezing cold
if i could function by than
i love boats and fishing
i like cleaning when im in the mood
i want to be a health teacher when i grow up
that doesnt mean i want to help myself
i want to learn more about fashion
maybe take FIT classes in the city
i want to be famous by fashion one day
i love holidays just not the food
i love giving and getting presents
i am funny
i love making people laugh
i love making people smile
i love the look on peoples faces when u give them gifts
i love the look on peoples faces when you surprise them!
i am thoughtful
i can be mean
i love taking pictures but only when i feel i look good and thin
i get sad at times when im bored
i like to do peoples hairs
im not sure what else.
i love city days and nights!
i love taking the train and ferry
texting is funnn
i hope i begin to cheer up
Fri, Aug. 22nd, 2008, 02:05 pm
i am a fucking failure, ive lost self control. fuck my life, i am so upset. ive gained all my weight back if not more. i am so upset which makes me want to eat my feelings even more. But NO i will not, i am gaining self control and will do this. school is coming and they will think i look like a fat slob which to myself i do. i bought all these clothes and now i no for sure they wont fit. i cant go shopping because i am so unhappy with how i look but shopping makes me happy, being fat takes all your pride away. i was doing so good. my boyfriend went away i fasted 5 days. than i havent talked to him in forever since he has no service and i became so depressed. i ate and ate and ate n i over dosed on my diet pills which not to mention dont fucking work! im gonna sue them, not really. anyways i took to many of t hem and it burnt my stomach for 24 hours i was throwing my guts up of just acid. it wasnt even food. like at least make me happy and throw my food up. i hate it. i hope it dies. than my mom hears my throwing up what i binged from my depression mode and she like laughed and goes i know your making yourself throw up. well good it makes it easier for me to begin my obsession ONCE AGAIN now that she knows. anyways i had to eat because of the acid in my stomach so i had fiber. good choice if i had to choose ya no. i had fiber cereal and popcorn smart pop kettle corn. my mom goes in my room, "your still eating" "you fat ass" i wanted to cry. i got so upset i ate even more. fuck my life. i never want to eat again but y stomach is gurgling i guess it was used to eating 2 days straight, well guess what stomach, your gonna fuckin starve! i cant take this i look huge and gross. i see the skin hang off my arm and it looks nasty i have a week left before school im never gonna lose all this weight. one apple a day cut up and pieces of it thrown away and one cup of coffee if i am around a coffee shop, exercise and whatever. i feel huge and gross and my boyfriend made me more upset before. when he called me for once. i want to shop but i dont want to go out looking like a whale. i am going to shoot myself. my stomach is so bloated from all the fiber, i dont want to shower because i dont want to look at myself and feel gross. i dont want to exercise because i feel huge at the gym. i just want to stay in my room and read, play my sims, go on the computer, text on my fone. today i had a cut up apple thrown pieces of it away so i didnt eat it all! and i still didnt eat what was on my plate and a cup of tea. thats it. tomorrow i will do the same. my stomach is gurgling and hurts =[ i want to cry. i am a fat whale and my moms comments helps me even more. i will prove her wrong and it will be nice. all i have to do is think about her comments she said to me and just starve away, one day SOON i will be invisible. why should i worry about food. its just food. i can busy myself with other things. duh. but when its all you think about. it sucks. its harder than you think. i hate this. i want to starve. i am depressed and going coocoo. i want to prove my mom.dad.everyone WRONG. i can do this. i am gonna research.. how to gain control. bye
anyone want to comment my life story right now?
Tue, Aug. 19th, 2008, 11:54 am
did a 5 day fast.. wasnt hungry at all so that made things easy..
did good on the 5th day was doin really good until mom went
food shopping. i wasnt hungry just all the urges came to my
head that the food was soo good. urg. i ate fruit and cereal
as my binging of wanting the food but not being hungry
i threw it up and took diet pills after i threw it up. starting
another fast. today just coffee and gum once again
just one cup of coffee if im near a coffee place. if not
than tea because its so good.
its not even like i want food so its good.
i usualy want food.. weird?
Fri, Aug. 15th, 2008, 10:52 pm
im cold thats a good thing
Thu, Aug. 14th, 2008, 12:34 pm